Understanding Secure Attachment: Building Stronger Connections

(Part 2 of the “Attachment Runs Deep” Series by Dr. Daphne C. Harris)

This is Part 2 of our “Attachment Runs Deep” series. I will be diving into secure attachment and what it really means for Black men. If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, take a minute to check it out first—it lays the foundation for everything we’re talking about here. Brothers, I know the world doesn’t always give you the space to slow down and really look at how you love and connect. But trust me—doing this work is powerful. The more secure you become in your relationships, the more freedom, peace, and strength you’ll carry in every part of your life. With that being said, let's get started!

What Secure Attachment Looks Like

According to attachment theory, a secure attachment style is often called the gold standard in relationships. It means you’re comfortable giving and receiving love, expressing emotions, and trusting others. People who grew up with consistent, loving, and responsive caregivers are more likely to have developed secure attachment. But even if your childhood was less stable, it’s possible to cultivate secure attachment later in life.

Here are some ways to recognize a secure attachment style:

• Comfortable with Intimacy: You can let people in and be emotionally vulnerable in romantic, platonic, or family relationships.

• Healthy Boundaries: You know how to say no without guilt and respect others’ boundaries.

• Conflict Doesn’t Scare You: You address disagreements calmly and see them as opportunities for growth rather than threats.

• Self-Worth: You value yourself and don’t rely on others for validation.

• Supportive Relationships: You enjoy both giving and receiving support without feeling overwhelmed.

Secure attachment in relationships isn’t about being perfect—it’s about balance, trust, and mutual respect.

What This Means for Black Men

Next, I want to apply theory to the lived experiences of Black men, while recognizing that those experiences are varied. As I stated above, Black men often find themselves navigating spaces that often tells them to “man up” or handle everything alone, being secure in how you relate gives you quiet confidence. It shows up as the ability to handle conflict without shutting down, speak your truth without fear, and show up fully in love, friendship, and family. Real strength isn’t in the armor—it’s in being steady, consistent, and safe for yourself and the people you care about.

Checklist & Reflection

Take a look at the graphic below. It’s a quick snapshot of what secure attachment looks like in action. If this sounds like you—great! If not, that’s okay. Attachment styles can evolve, and growth takes time. Be patient with yourself as you learn and practice these skills.

My Final Thoughts

Black man, this is what secure attachment feels like in real life—leading with strength, love, and respect in your relationships, fatherhood, and in your communities. As a Black woman, my heart is in this work because I want to see Black men thriving in relationships that feel solid, safe, and real. I know the weight you carry, and I also know the power of your presence when you’re able to show up fully.

That’s why MENtal MATTERs exist—to give you space, tools, and community for that kind of growth. I’d love to hear your questions, your thoughts, and what you’re navigating. Consider joining our virtual Chop It Up sessions to connect with brothers who are on the same path. This is just the start of the journey. Your healing matters. Your growth is worth it. And you don’t have to do it alone.